Wow! I just read through again my last blog, which sadly was too long ago! That was some heavy stuff I wrote. Since that time, I have been actively trying to find that special employment. I declared 2010 as "The Year of Cara". I have had some interviews and possible job leads but only one recently that I am excited about. I am waiting to see if I am hired.
We visited a "new" church today. We have been there a few times already. I really needed to hear about "what's on your mind". I struggle sooooo much with my thoughts controlling my heart, body, actions, etc. I am a "thinking" person and find myself worrying a lot - especially about Alex and my husband's travels. That is why momma needs a job...keep me busy! I cried through the end of church and I cried at home. Now, I am feeling that this blogging stuff shouldn't happen every couple months. It is good for the mind and soul!
Alex had one of his best Christmas breaks. He was able to tell us when he had enough of the big family Christmas and I took him home! Thank God for Autism! My excuse to leave a big family gathering!!!!
He was a bit whiny getting back to school after break. He came home many days saying "I don't want to do 2nd grade...it's too hard...I want to stay home with you and help make lunch". He had a page of math homework (front and back) and complained about how it would be too hard. He kept saying it over and over and I just kept working in the kitchen ignoring him. Before I knew it it was done and done correctly! I think he likes to just say things over and over as a calming mechanism. I guess what is on his mind just comes out over and over....interesting!
Simone has been busy with swimming. We have attended 2 swim meets where she has placed in both her individual events at both meets - getting 1st place in both events at the last meet. She enjoys practicing a lot and the meets are getting easier for her, especially now that she has a DS like all the other kids. "Mom did you know that there were thousands of kids in Pictochat room A at the meet?"
I just read a friend's blog about her training for triathlons and I am motivated today to go for a run. I haven't been feeling well - having episodes where I am dizzy so I'm going to take it slow. My doc says I have a virus that is going around and gave me an anti-viral medicine. We'll see if it works. I still had a dizzy spell getting up in the night last night.
Looking forward to good news this week!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Family Stresses
Wow! I watched an episode of Oprah today about a child that has Schizophrenia and her family. Watching this family and all they have to do just to keep their daughter safe from her self- injurious behavior as well as their infant son made me feel so sad for them. I know our experience with Alex is/was not nearly what they are going through but I felt I related to them on a few levels.
When Alex was first diagnosed, I felt a sense of relief. They said they felt the same when their daughter was diagnosed. For us it led to action. We fought hard and found the therapies/schools that worked best for him and our family. I am so grateful that now I feel that we have come through our rough times. They talked about peoples judgements and feeling alone. All of these things I feel or have felt or go back and forth with often. I pray that they will find the right resources to help their child and their family.
Something I have been wrestling with lately is my feeling of loneliness with my kids being in school. It finally hit me one day that the reason I feel this sense of loss or maybe just plain boredom each day while they are at school is because those years after Alex was first diagnosed were not your "normal" raising children as a stay-at-home mom years. I was constantly managing his routines, therapies, payment of therapies, worries of the expense of therapies, taking him to therapies, taking care of Simone...there wasn't a lot of down time. I feel like I had just accepted my role and that mom will most likely never have her "old life" back as a working woman outside of the home...I was a paralegal in my previous life...surrounded by prominent people in society, and what goes without saying....adults. Anyway, I feel that I had recently wrapped my head around this concept of my new life...I guess you could say "I accepted it" when now it seems that the kids, and unbelievably Alex, are doing great with school. Yes they still need me but not as much as before. Maybe I can have a life outside of being mom to these kids.
So, now I search for what that life will look like. Can I find a part-time job that will allow me to work with other adults, stimulate my brain, allow me to make some financial contribution to our family, be close by in case I am needed at the kids' school, etc...??? I am now on a mission to find just that. I hope it is out there. If I find this special place of employment, I know that they will be a true blessing to me.
On a sad note....I remember in my early research on Autism that back when they were initially "labeling" Autism...it was thought that it was childhood Schizophrenia!!! That was hard to read. I had an aunt who suffered from Schizophrenia and sadly, due to my ignorance and mostly following the adults that I knew that didn't model good behavior towards her, I know I didn't treat her kindly. We have come a long way in understanding all of these mental/neurological disorders and they all have things in common and affect families in common ways. I recently saw a new statistic that Autism now affects 1 in every 91 children...WOW! We still have more work to do in understanding the cause and there is never enough compassion for these families.
When Alex was first diagnosed, I felt a sense of relief. They said they felt the same when their daughter was diagnosed. For us it led to action. We fought hard and found the therapies/schools that worked best for him and our family. I am so grateful that now I feel that we have come through our rough times. They talked about peoples judgements and feeling alone. All of these things I feel or have felt or go back and forth with often. I pray that they will find the right resources to help their child and their family.
Something I have been wrestling with lately is my feeling of loneliness with my kids being in school. It finally hit me one day that the reason I feel this sense of loss or maybe just plain boredom each day while they are at school is because those years after Alex was first diagnosed were not your "normal" raising children as a stay-at-home mom years. I was constantly managing his routines, therapies, payment of therapies, worries of the expense of therapies, taking him to therapies, taking care of Simone...there wasn't a lot of down time. I feel like I had just accepted my role and that mom will most likely never have her "old life" back as a working woman outside of the home...I was a paralegal in my previous life...surrounded by prominent people in society, and what goes without saying....adults. Anyway, I feel that I had recently wrapped my head around this concept of my new life...I guess you could say "I accepted it" when now it seems that the kids, and unbelievably Alex, are doing great with school. Yes they still need me but not as much as before. Maybe I can have a life outside of being mom to these kids.
So, now I search for what that life will look like. Can I find a part-time job that will allow me to work with other adults, stimulate my brain, allow me to make some financial contribution to our family, be close by in case I am needed at the kids' school, etc...??? I am now on a mission to find just that. I hope it is out there. If I find this special place of employment, I know that they will be a true blessing to me.
On a sad note....I remember in my early research on Autism that back when they were initially "labeling" Autism...it was thought that it was childhood Schizophrenia!!! That was hard to read. I had an aunt who suffered from Schizophrenia and sadly, due to my ignorance and mostly following the adults that I knew that didn't model good behavior towards her, I know I didn't treat her kindly. We have come a long way in understanding all of these mental/neurological disorders and they all have things in common and affect families in common ways. I recently saw a new statistic that Autism now affects 1 in every 91 children...WOW! We still have more work to do in understanding the cause and there is never enough compassion for these families.
Friday, September 18, 2009
I look to you
So...as usual it has been a while since I have posted anything :( We have been working on getting our school routines down and I am sooooo pleased with Alex and his transition into 2nd grade. He continues to amaze me.
His teacher this year is having the kids color in each day the discipline color they were for the day before they head home on a calendar in their folder. For instance, they start out at green and then if they get a warning they are yellow, bad is red and black is really bad. If they do really great for the day they can move up and the move up from green is blue. Alex this month has had all green days and one blue day!!! What I like most about this is that when he leaves in the morning I can say "have a green day" and he smiles. When he gets home he is so excited to show me his paper. I can't get much detail out of him about his day but this is something that he does talk to me about.
Simone is adjusting well too. Although this week we did have an e-mail from her teacher that she had written "I hat(e) Alex" on the board. I haven't noticed lately and even during the summer as many questions about his behaviors or how he is different as I did at the end of last school year. I think that even though they are at the same school the fact that they are on different floors (not right across the hall from each other) makes a difference. Anyway, her teacher talked to her about Alex and then of course I talked to her when she got home. I think she was a little shocked that I knew what happened at school - mom has eyes and ears everywhere!
This week I watched Oprah's 2 part interview with Whitney Houston. Now, I grew up listening to her songs and of course we all know her trials (which are no where near the same as mine) but the interview really touched me. I had mentioned in one of my previous blogs about how people say things to you when you go through a difficult time and often I think use God and the prayer thing too much. It happened to me and I really feel like it caused me to step away some from my relationship with God. Anyway, her new song "I look to you" is about God and how she looked to him for strength as she went through her trials. Also her song "I didn't know my own strength" is also amazing and I feel that I can relate to those words. At one point I found my self just crying as I listened to her talk to Oprah then when I downloaded the songs I really started crying. I feel like her talking about relying on God could be backed up by the fact that she had gone through something horrific in her life. While I was downloading the songs and crying, my husband comes home and saw me a mess...yes I was having a moment!
If you get a chance, please listen to those songs. She has an amazing gift.
His teacher this year is having the kids color in each day the discipline color they were for the day before they head home on a calendar in their folder. For instance, they start out at green and then if they get a warning they are yellow, bad is red and black is really bad. If they do really great for the day they can move up and the move up from green is blue. Alex this month has had all green days and one blue day!!! What I like most about this is that when he leaves in the morning I can say "have a green day" and he smiles. When he gets home he is so excited to show me his paper. I can't get much detail out of him about his day but this is something that he does talk to me about.
Simone is adjusting well too. Although this week we did have an e-mail from her teacher that she had written "I hat(e) Alex" on the board. I haven't noticed lately and even during the summer as many questions about his behaviors or how he is different as I did at the end of last school year. I think that even though they are at the same school the fact that they are on different floors (not right across the hall from each other) makes a difference. Anyway, her teacher talked to her about Alex and then of course I talked to her when she got home. I think she was a little shocked that I knew what happened at school - mom has eyes and ears everywhere!
This week I watched Oprah's 2 part interview with Whitney Houston. Now, I grew up listening to her songs and of course we all know her trials (which are no where near the same as mine) but the interview really touched me. I had mentioned in one of my previous blogs about how people say things to you when you go through a difficult time and often I think use God and the prayer thing too much. It happened to me and I really feel like it caused me to step away some from my relationship with God. Anyway, her new song "I look to you" is about God and how she looked to him for strength as she went through her trials. Also her song "I didn't know my own strength" is also amazing and I feel that I can relate to those words. At one point I found my self just crying as I listened to her talk to Oprah then when I downloaded the songs I really started crying. I feel like her talking about relying on God could be backed up by the fact that she had gone through something horrific in her life. While I was downloading the songs and crying, my husband comes home and saw me a mess...yes I was having a moment!
If you get a chance, please listen to those songs. She has an amazing gift.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Value? Goals?
I had a book club meeting at my house last night and we spent some time talking about what our goals were when we were in high school versus what they are now and what we consider to be value in our life. Hmmmm. I remember in my year book writing that I was going to be a "paralegal in a large law firm". So, I've been there, done that....does that mean I have accomplished my goal? Are there more goals to be accomplished, have they changed?
We had a wonderful summer, the kids and I. Really, I can't complain at all. A part of me feels like I deserve it damn it! Another part of me feels like now that things are going well with Alex that I should move on and reclaim those "goals".
What are those goals? Do I have any? Are my kids' still the main goal to focus on? Should I go back to work? Do I have an identity now that they are becoming less dependent on me?
Lots of questions. Not sure of the answers right now. I feel a little guilt even thinking that I should be focusing on myself. Some mothers of Autistic children (and other children with disabilities) don't ever get the opportunity to ask the question of whether they should focus on their goals because their lives are so taken up by their children. I should feel lucky but am having a hard time with even those thoughts. I know that when I was in high school and later when I got married, I never thought that my goal/plan would include having an Autistic child. I almost feel like that has put my goals/life on hold when really it has just taken it in a different path for a season.
Now, what is value? When I think back to all the "earning" potential that was lost by staying home almost 9 years with my children - WOW! That sure is a lot of money. Now, I know most of that would have went to child care, clothes for work, other work expenses, but that still seems like a lot of "value" lost. The big BUT here is the value of my son and the growth he made during the time I was able to be home with him. There is no monetary value I can place on that. Hearing people say "he's Autistic?" puts the priceless exclamation on that!!
I hope to keep focusing on that over these next few months while I try to come to terms with where I/we have been over the last 9 years.
Is there a new season approaching?
We had a wonderful summer, the kids and I. Really, I can't complain at all. A part of me feels like I deserve it damn it! Another part of me feels like now that things are going well with Alex that I should move on and reclaim those "goals".
What are those goals? Do I have any? Are my kids' still the main goal to focus on? Should I go back to work? Do I have an identity now that they are becoming less dependent on me?
Lots of questions. Not sure of the answers right now. I feel a little guilt even thinking that I should be focusing on myself. Some mothers of Autistic children (and other children with disabilities) don't ever get the opportunity to ask the question of whether they should focus on their goals because their lives are so taken up by their children. I should feel lucky but am having a hard time with even those thoughts. I know that when I was in high school and later when I got married, I never thought that my goal/plan would include having an Autistic child. I almost feel like that has put my goals/life on hold when really it has just taken it in a different path for a season.
Now, what is value? When I think back to all the "earning" potential that was lost by staying home almost 9 years with my children - WOW! That sure is a lot of money. Now, I know most of that would have went to child care, clothes for work, other work expenses, but that still seems like a lot of "value" lost. The big BUT here is the value of my son and the growth he made during the time I was able to be home with him. There is no monetary value I can place on that. Hearing people say "he's Autistic?" puts the priceless exclamation on that!!
I hope to keep focusing on that over these next few months while I try to come to terms with where I/we have been over the last 9 years.
Is there a new season approaching?
Monday, August 3, 2009
one more thing...
Just got a text from my pastor. She said the kids are doing great..."no worries"!
:)
:)
Camp...
Yesterday evening I left my kids at their first overnight church camp! OMG! They are only 6 and 8! OMG! Alex has Autism! Can you believe it??? I thought I would just break out crying the whole way home but instead this overwhelming sense of finally making it came over me. I have had so many compliments this summer on Alex and how well he is doing. Most people don't even know that he has Autism until I tell them. I did call one of Alex's therapists/tutors on the way home from camp to tell her about dropping him off at camp. Okay so more on the camp...
Our church reserved this camp for the week so only people from our church are there along with the camp counselors that are there the whole summer to help with all the camps that come - even our pastor is there! Anyway...we got there a little early so we could walk around the camp and meet one of the counselors that is a special ed teacher! God is GOOD! Then the camp got busy as more and more people that we knew showed up. The kids, especially Simone, were excited to see kids they knew. They will be at camp from Sunday evening until Wednesday evening. The comments Alex made when I dropped him off made me laugh...
"Hey, hey, hey. We're here" (from 321 Penguins show)
"This is going to be the best camp ever"
"Okay, mommy, if tomorrow is sunny I'll put sunscream on" (this from the kids who ironically screams when I put it on so the fact that he calls it "sunscream" kills me)
"Mommy, can I get a shower tonight on Sunday?"
It is a little hard for me to be home alone especially since my husband is in India - yes the country of India! He was supposed to take off work while the kids were at camp so we could spend time together but obviously that is not happening. So, I am home completely alone! This morning I went for a run and then I am headed to our library to volunteer. After that I think I will hang out at our local coffee shop and read then do some shopping. I'm trying to see this time as a break and time for me but it is awful lonely :(
Anyway....I finally put a profile picture on and it is of Alex sitting on his bunk at camp. I hope it makes you smile as much as it does me!
Our church reserved this camp for the week so only people from our church are there along with the camp counselors that are there the whole summer to help with all the camps that come - even our pastor is there! Anyway...we got there a little early so we could walk around the camp and meet one of the counselors that is a special ed teacher! God is GOOD! Then the camp got busy as more and more people that we knew showed up. The kids, especially Simone, were excited to see kids they knew. They will be at camp from Sunday evening until Wednesday evening. The comments Alex made when I dropped him off made me laugh...
"Hey, hey, hey. We're here" (from 321 Penguins show)
"This is going to be the best camp ever"
"Okay, mommy, if tomorrow is sunny I'll put sunscream on" (this from the kids who ironically screams when I put it on so the fact that he calls it "sunscream" kills me)
"Mommy, can I get a shower tonight on Sunday?"
It is a little hard for me to be home alone especially since my husband is in India - yes the country of India! He was supposed to take off work while the kids were at camp so we could spend time together but obviously that is not happening. So, I am home completely alone! This morning I went for a run and then I am headed to our library to volunteer. After that I think I will hang out at our local coffee shop and read then do some shopping. I'm trying to see this time as a break and time for me but it is awful lonely :(
Anyway....I finally put a profile picture on and it is of Alex sitting on his bunk at camp. I hope it makes you smile as much as it does me!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
