Wednesday, September 15, 2010

To blog or not to blog

So, it has been months since I last blogged. My husband is not in favor of my blogging and we had a discussion about it. My purpose for blogging is for other parents of Autistic children to read and hopefully feel they aren't alone. Also, my blogging helps me to feel that I am not alone because I know that there are other people in the Autism community that will find this and connect.

Alone, that is what I feel a lot of the time. In addition to really having a lot of alone time when the kids are in summer programing or are at school, I am often alone after the kids get to bed and my husband is on a business trip. I find myself angry a lot and not able to focus on positive things because I don't have a specific purpose while alone (or something to do that would not let me be alone).

I posted one day on Facebook that I am working on "acceptance". This is an ongoing struggle on many fronts. Is it acceptance of Alex? Does his disability require acceptance from me, family members and maybe eventually himself? Is acceptance of this disability ever something I can attain and should I be expecting that of others if I myself am having a hard time with it? Acceptance of being a stay-at-home mom and not able to find a job outside of the home? It has been 2 years of looking, preferably for a part-time job, and having people slam doors in my face...even by "my church". Acceptance of the way people have reacted to Alex and our situation or, even more so, not reacted. Acceptance that those I thought should have been there for me/Alex/our family haven't been there for me and will not be there. Acceptance of the continual disappointment. Acceptance that Autism is something Alex and our family will always live with.

So, that is where I am right now.