Happy?? Mother's Day

I'm going to start off with the positives. I woke up with my cheerful kids saying "Happy Mother's Day" and bringing presents to me in bed. Simone made some presents and wrapped them herself. My husband then got out the presents he bought for me from the kids and himself. He did a great job...a Vera Bradley bag and a yoga mat bag. Anyway, he fixed everyone breakfast and then we went to church.

Church....hmmmmm...I remember last year being hard on me sitting in church thinking about everything. Like, why am I a mother of an Autistic child? Why doesn't my own mother help me more? Why doesn't my mother-in-law help me more? Why do I feel like I can't talk to either mother about Alex and Autism without hearing platitudes? I need them to be real. How do I forgive them for continued disappointments? Are my expectations too high? Is all this my fault?

So, the sermon this year was about Ruth and Naomi. How Ruth stood by Naomi when she was bitter. Yes, I am bitter. Very, very bitter. And do I have a Ruth? I would have to say my sister and my sister-in-law but still no one really truly understands. Who really should be my Ruth?

Okay the final song plays at church and I am crying. I go to pick up my children (my husband was helping count $$). Alex is having a meltdown over forgetting his bible and not being able to get a prize from the teacher. We go out to the car where I think the bibles are and of course they aren't there. He proceeds to have a fit and obsesses about not having his bible. The teacher was great and let him have a prize anyway....I do this all the time...try to appease him to just make the situation better. We then went into the church so I could take in food that was in the car and he can't find his prize (left it somewhere)....starts melting down again. I loose it and spank him in church! All the while my husband has no clue as he is counting.

We go to the car and drive to pick up my medical transcription tapes. Alex is screaming in the car so I turn around and spank him again. Feeling just awful on this Mother's Day.

We get back to the church and out comes my husband who is thinking we are headed to lunch to continue our wonderful Mother's Day...Ha! I drive us home crying.

When we get home I start with some angry cleaning of the house. Simone is sick with a fever. I have to cancel my therapy appointment for today since she can't go to school. We had a 5 hour meeting scheduled with Alex's teachers/school staff this morning. Korey had a work commitment he didn't think he could get out of but decided he needed to so he is going to the school this morning for the meeting. I am really happy about this as I don't think I could have emotionally dealt with that today. Also, I feel like all this Autism stuff is on me and I really needed him to go.

We end the night with Korey and I have a nice dinner and Simone and I have ice cream at Dairy Queen and I feel a little better.

After the kids are in bed the real fun begins (not what you are thinking). Korey and I have a deep discussion about Alex, Simone, my feelings, his feelings, Simone's questions about Alex, why our families aren't real about how hard this. I cried and cried. He went to check on the kids before coming to bed. He seemed to take a while and when he came down he was crying. We cry again then go to bed.

So, this morning I got Alex ready for school and he wanted to go in early with Korey to play in his classroom. I started crying when I watched them pull away...still crying now.