Twisted Thinking

Memorial Day weekend went pretty well although I have to say that the weekend before was almost as bad as Mother's Day weekend. I can't remember right off had what got me so upset that weekend but I experienced for the first time what I think was an anxiety/panic attack. I was just so overwhelmed by everything. Korey and I have had some major discussions about Alex and Simone. Seeing Alex with his peers makes us see where he is different (like at track meets). We wonder when he'll realize he is different as Simone is already asking so many questions about Alex. We are dealing with how we will talk with her about Alex. We have both cried a lot over this last month. Since I am home alone when the kids are at school, I find myself with too much time to think/fret/worry.

So, this needing to find myself let me to apply for a job at the school board offices in the district where my kids go...EEKK! I really would like a part time position but this position is full time!! Who knows if I'll even get it but I am getting more excited as the days go on. So, fingers crossed that I first get an interview for the job in the next week. On one of my bad days, I talked with my pastor and she talked with me about how I have lost my identity in all of this. I am not just Cara, mom to Alex who has Autism or mom to Simone. I need to find myself again. Maybe working would help with that...???

So, at therapy this week I talked about the job and the need to be busy with my therapist. I told her that I felt like I needed to be busy so I wouldn't have time to dwell on things. She said that if I just get busy and don't address my thoughts and feelings that I'll still have them...getting busy may help but it isn't the answer. So, here comes the twisted thinking thing. We worked on how I distort things a lot. Making things more than they are. Taking things people say to me too personally or in a way that they didn't mean. We talked about comments that people have made to me about Alex and why I was given him (by God). Some of the comments like "He sure is testing you" or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle"...etc...have been hard for me to hear. I honestly believe that people who say these things are either (1) marters (sp?) or (2) have never had something bad/tragic happen in their life. I believe those words would go away from their vocabulary very quickly if they had something happen to them.

So, we talked further of what those comments have meant to me and how they and this situation have affected my relationship with God. Deep down I know that God didn't give me Alex to teach me a lesson. I know I will grow and learn through the experiences I have raising him but I feel that him being on this earth to just teach me a lesson diminishes his value. I have not been able to focus on daily bible readings or even daily prayer. Not that I don't read the bible or pray but I find it hard to do it regularly. I still have questions and, as my therapist mentioned, I am still working through the grieving and haven't truly gotten to the acceptance part. I am hoping that once I get there I will be able to get back to a stronger relationship with God but I'll admit I am not there yet.