Sweet Silver Lining

So, I found this song called "Sweet Silver Lining". It's about searching for the sweet silver lining when things happen. The lyrics that get me are...

"so many people are looking to me To be strong and to fight But I’m just surviving...Most days I try my best To put on a brave face But inside my bones are cold And my heart breaks"

I've had a few people mention to me lately that I "put on a good face/front". I feel that I have been faking it lately. I had a really rough period just after Alex was diagnosed and I feel that I am in another rough period now. Things are just so hard for me to work though right now. I seem to make the littlest things into big things. I take everything personally and am offended easily by others words/actions/lack of actions. I know that things could be much worse but I still struggle daily and I think over the last two weeks I have cried every day!

I know there are silver linings to all this but it seems very hard to identify them or look for them right now as I'm just trying to survive.

I feel that I have to get to an "emergency state" for anyone to realize that I need help. This is where I feel I have been these last few weeks. I think people see me as a strong/independent person that doesn't need help so therefore I must be fine. However, I feel that since I don't often ask for help...that when I do ask it should trigger a response like "hey, I should help her because she asked". Instead I feel like I have to beg for help or get to that "emergency" level before I get help. I guess what I wish is that someone would just see the need....ha! Who am I fooling with that wish! I know also that I have a controlling personality and often it is hard for me to let go and let others.

Alex ran in his first track meet this weekend. It was so fun to watch but we were not prepared at all for this! He is a part of our local Y's track club and we had NO idea that the track clubs around were so much bigger and more serious than ours. We didn't even have uniforms in yet while other clubs had nice uniforms, warm up suits, coaches uniforms, running spikes, etc. Only 4 of our kids showed up for the meet while other teams had hundreds. We were definitely David versus Goliath. Anyway, Alex ran the 100 and 400 and he did great. He had a good time. Dad had tears in his eyes when he ran the 100. At first I thought that was just pride in the tears but later after I had a major meltdown on Sunday, he explained to me that he was feeling pride but also felt a bit of saddness about Alex's disability and just everything about that. Alex has no idea that he is different and that he was at a disadvantage in the race (not completley because of his disability but anyway). My husband has cried twice in the last two weeks so we are both having problems dealing with Alex and what we have to go through daily and ongoing. What will our future hold? What will his future hold? So sad whan your husband cries too.

My stomach has been a mess, I've had crying episodes where I just can't stop. My heart races and I feel like I can't catch my breath. I hope this passes soon.